Ever wonder how it is that the extreme right-wing pundits always talk like they know exactly what President Obama is thinking? Well, in today’s lesson on right-wing rhetoric, we finally reveal the origins of this unique skill.
Obamniscient [oh-bom-nish-uhnt] – adjective
Having complete or unlimited knowledge of whatever President Obama is thinking at any point in time, either past, present, or future. Best used when combined with a particular perspective, tone of voice, or ideology (see also, hannitude, medvetting)
Obamniscience was first noted during the 2008 Democratic race, likely emerging when several operatives in Hillary Clinton’s campaign provided then-candidate Clinton with insights into Obama’s feelings about Republicans. He “really like[s] the idea of the Republicans,” was the line Clinton fed the audience attending the Myrtle Beach, S.C. debate. Since fact-checking showed no evidence for this claim, I cite it as the first instance of Obamniscience. Subtle, to be sure, but the talent would soon awaken, mutant-like, among many others.
Oddly, though the talent was first noted among liberals, it has since been located only on the fringes of the right-wing, those who argue for the most radically conservative agendas.
As a testament to the power and value of Obamniscience, check out these two stellar examples:
- Rush Limbaugh, perhaps the pundit with the greatest Obamniscience of them all, was able to reach into the president’s mind and determine that he (the president) hates America.
- Bill O’Reilly, an Obamniscient with powers that extend to the entire left, has helpfully informed us in this clip that some on the left (including, supposedly, our president) actually want the capitalistic system to collapse because they want what he calls “a quasi-socialistic system.”
There is also some evidence that Obamniscience may have certain viral qualities, and that it may not necessarily be a latent skill, but rather some form of communicable disease. Evidence for this possibility can be found in more recent outbreaks, of which these two are prime examples:
- Ted Nugent, the still-powerful rocker but clearly failed-pundit (who continually pops up like an itch you can’t scratch), was able to tell us that the president is “hell bent on spending like a madman.”
- From author and filmmaker Dinesh D’Souza we’ve learned that Obama has an anti-colonialist ideology and “wants to undermine America’s allies and leave in place regimes that are indifferent or hostile to America.”
An inquiry has been made with the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta to find out if there is any active research into the phenomenon. Still, whether the power emerged psychically or virally, there’s no question as to its value. What would we ever do without these very special people?
We are truly blessed to live in a world where Obamniscience exists. The president, as we all know, is a very busy man, and only rarely has the time to tell us exactly what he’s thinking. However, because we are surrounded by a tightly knit group of Obamniscients, we can turn on the television, or read a newspaper editorial, or check out a website just about any time we want and find out exactly what’s on the president’s mind. Without these people, how would we ever find out that President Obama is an angry, socialistic, race-baiting redistributionist who hates Israel, supports a New World Order, and has a tendency to apologize at every turn? Where else could we obtain this vital information?
[Note: Thanks to Tony Markey for the term “medvetting.”]