In honor of tonight’s Oscar Awards, I thought it timely to present my Oscar Mayer Awards, given in honor of the most spectacular baloney of the past political year…
Best Original Screenplay: Bqhatevwr
Written by Scott Brown
This short, pithy title barely does justice to the deep-rooted psychological drama that lies beneath its simple incoherence. Is it the story of an accident, a mistake? Or is it somehow a deeper tale, one that strikes to the heart of a man’s relationship with his family, his public—and with an ever-present female pundit who, though occasionally given to snark, is clearly his intellectual superior?
Best Adapted Screenplay: Independence, USA
Written by Glenn Beck
Working from the templates of all the utopian fantasy ever written, Beck has crafted a stunningly modern story that is at times ironic (a free market that isn’t free!) and pathetic (teaching kids the “truth” about history). Part Thomas More, part Philip K. Dick, and part Walt Disney, Independence, USA is at once funny, solemn, sad, and hopeful. But what sets Beck’s writing apart in this particular story is his ability to present fantasy and science fiction as if it were documentary. Brilliant!
Best Actress: Debbie Wasserman Schultz in My Akin Heart
In this fantastic musical comedy, Wasserman Schultz shines as she tap dances from interview to interview in attempt to link candidate Mitt Romney’s position on abortion with the draconian viewpoints of Todd Akin, who famously offered that quote about “legitimate rape.” Schultz, who shares the screen with everyone from Anderson Cooper to Don Lemon to Piers Morgan, never flags, her energy staying high, her smile staying wide as, all the while, she continues to offer a performance that seems part Mary Poppins, part Annie, and part Harold Hill, the con artist from The Music Man. Well done, and well danced!
Best Actor: Paul Broun in The Deerhead Hunter
An amazing soliloquy given in front of a wall of deer heads is the reason that Broun gets the nod this year. The passion of the performance (and the ability to appear actually to believe the ridiculousness of what he’s saying) makes his performance as a religious fanatic all the more powerful. Though facing some very tough competition this year (including Mitt Romney in The 47-Percent Solution and Rush Limbaugh in The Fluking Truth!), Broun’s performance is one for the ages—the Dark Ages.
Best Picture: Aargh! Oh!
Written and Directed by Fox News, starring Megyn Kelley and Karl Rove
This picture tells the brilliant story of a once-proud but now-fallen architect who learns, on election night, that all of his plans, expectations, hopes, and dreams have been shattered. With a stunning performance by Rove as the architect who refuses to come to turns with reality, and a surprisingly effective performance by Kelly as the naïve yet plucky reporter who reluctantly reveals the truth, this Oscar Mayer winner stands out for a number of reasons, including an amazing seven-minute continuous shot that takes Kelly from the confines of her anchor desk all the way back to the research room where she then makes her stunning revelations. This film is absolutely riveting, and we can expect to hear about it over and over again for years to come.
There were lots of honorable mentions, of course, but those are my top five. What awards would you give out?