Some unnamed sources who might have said something like this at one time or another (depending on the integrity and thoroughness of the journalist possibly involved) today revealed the super-secret, ultra-special anti-Obama checklists used to plan everything on Fox News Channel every single day, over and over again.
The checklists work like this: Staffers are instructed to find images and quotes from anything Obama said or did the day before. Quotes are examined for words where meaning might effectively be distorted, and images for infinitesimal irrelevancies that might drive twenty-minute Obama-bashing segments. One unnamed Fox staffer probably remarked that “It’s gotten pretty easy, really. Sometimes we can plan three or four days at a time, especially if he uses words like ‘Israel,’ or ‘Middle Class.’"
Another unnamed source suggested that sometimes things can get a bit boring and repetitive, however. “We tend to overuse the whole ‘war on' something metaphor too much,” she said. “But don’t tell Gretchen Carlson. Then I’d have to explain to her what a metaphor is, and I just don’t have that kind of time in my day.”
Here at An Incredibly Minor Public Figure we’ve been fortunate enough to get a peek at the leak, and are now able to share part of it with you. This first section, shown below, is a checklist for how to spin pictures of Obama:
Our possibly-irrelevant-but-maybe-not unreliable source has also confirmed that there are two other versions of the list. One of them is for Steve Doocy from Fox and Friends, and comes with all of the big words removed, and the other is for Sean Hannity, and comes with a special mark that looks a bit like raised eyebrows (~!~) which indicates when Sean is supposed to use a little extra snark in his inflections.
An official spokesman from Fox would probably deny the list, of course, but a source inside the White House was happy to confirm its existence. “Oh, we’ve known about it for several years,” he or she was heard to say. “We actually like it. It means that we know pretty much how they’re going to hit us, and so we can be prepared. Plus, people have gotten so numb to Fox that they barely notice when Obama actually does screw up, like with the economy, or using those drones, or giving the banks a pass. And most people don’t even realize that we haven’t closed Gitmo like we promised. Fox is actually doing us a favor by taking attention away from the really important things we’re not getting done.”