As the summer winds down many of us will—perhaps too quickly—return to the more sedate activities that mark the shortened days, the end of vacation season, and the arrival of any number of poor Oktoberfest beers. For many pseudo-Republicans, this will likely mean spending less time outdoors skeet shooting and more time indoors watching FOX News.
And seeing as how outdoor activity is healthier than watching FOX News—hell, a meal of pork rinds and Red Bull is healthier than watching FOX News—I’m offering the following Fall/Winter FOX News summary so that you won’t have to waste time watching it at all.
(Quick note of explanation for those who might be new to this blog: I’m a Republican, but of the moderate/Eisenhower/anti-slavery type which, as it turns out, means that I’m, dodo-like, one of a breed nearing extinction. But it also means that I recognize crap when I see and hear it, particular when it comes from those who have hijacked the mantle and use it to promote hypocrisy and hatred.)
So here goes: the following gives you a month-by-month highlight reel of what you can be absolutely sure Hannity, O’Reilly, Kelly, and kin will be covering on their respective “news” and “information” hours.
As schools open across the country we can count on another round of science-versus-religion talk, along with the usual diatribes against teachers’ unions, the lack of school choice, and the shocking number of children who don’t know the words to the Pledge of Allegiance. As an added bonus we can expect a special report (not to be confused with Bret Baier’s daily Special Report which, by definition, isn’t Special, or even just special, since he does it every day) from Megyn Kelly on the values and traditions embedded in the role of “stay-at-home” mom, even though she isn’t one.
The month will largely focus around stories that dredge up the terrors of Halloween. These will be broken into three categories: First will be the rise of Satanic influences in society because we’ve lost our religion to secular (i.e., “liberal”) forces. The second will be something about the economy and how disastrous it really is, with at least one talking head promising us another Black Tuesday. The third will be about how our streets are too dangerous for our children to go out trick-or-treating, unlike back in the fifties when all the white kids could do it without any problem at all. Oh, and it will be Obama’s fault.
October bonus topic: the beginnings of the annual “War on Christmas” rumbles will be heard, particularly from Sean.
The adjective “black” will move from Tuesday to Friday, and the meaning shift from loss to profit as discussions about how late or early or early-late or late-early stores open or close or partly open or open only for special deals on the Friday after Thanksgiving. FOX goes a bit schizophrenic over this one, torn between the push for traditional family values (the Rockwellian turkey feast) and the business/growth/economy push so loved (particularly by Stuart Varney.) This particular topic (and its perennial dichotomies) gives us the only real fun in the FOX-watching rituals, so if you feel you absolutely must watch some FOX during the remainder of the year, this is the month to do it.
Oh… and more “War on Christmas” stuff.
ATHEISTS! ATHEISTS! ATHEISTS!
And that takes us through the year. I certainly hope the above has been helpful to you. Note that by carefully digesting these summaries you will undoubtedly free up tons of time during which you can do more productive things, like closing clinics and limiting voting rights. After all: isn’t that what pseudo-Republicans are all about?